Earth Ride

Thank you for choosing Earth for your current lifespan. You will reach your final destination in approximately ninety years or at a cataclysmic event, whichever comes first.

Please step forward to the moving walkway, making sure to take with you all children and other impersonal belongings that provide status.

Keep yourself busy and in motion at all times, allowing minimal time for deliberate thought. Should you pause or stop for any reason, you run the risk of being mistaken for trash, confiscated, and/or eaten.

Your individual path has been designed to intersect with the paths of others at different times. Should you perceive a light in a particular individual, you are at liberty to engage via the sharing of personal stories on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Do not attempt any actual conversation with any individual as this may cause friction and lead to smoke.

Should you begin to smoke or burst into flames, please proceed to the nearest exit where an attendant may or may not provide a fire extinguisher. Should the attendant not speak your language, please wait until you begin flaming brightly before requesting your Fire Utility Cessation Kit with Educational Directions, which will be handed UP to you.

To request immediate assistance, use your mobile phone: Press 1 for English, 2 for Farsi, 3 for reservations, and 4 to repeat this menu. If you have forgotten why you called, please stay on the line pressing 0 very rapidly, and no one will come to your assistance.

In the event of increased global warming, please discontinue breathing. The operation of heavy internal combustion equipment, powered by Planet Earth’s non-renewable energy resources, while detrimental to life on this planet, will continue to be permitted so that we may preserve the Adult Daily Requirement of Planet Earth’s richest one quarter of 1 percent of the population. Until such time as any other action may be taken to change our course or ameliorate the situation, suck it up and deal with it.

Enjoy your Earth Ride!